Stirred Ham - The Angry Scot Recipe

A rather unique and rare combination of sheer aggression and animal carcass. 

Ingredients:
- Fresh Ham (amount of your choice) (Off the bone)
- Heavy blunt object (of your choice [example: fists, baseball bat, war hammer etc.])
- Large bowl
-Stirring equipment (of your choice)
-Anger/Frustration (amount of your choice)

Time:
Depends on your amount of Anger/Frustration

Be prepared to create a glorious mess.

Prep:
Before you will be ready to begin your Stirred Ham dish, you will need to have had a rather frustrating or taxing day. Obviously you cannot plan to have a bad day, so having your Ham available and ready for 'strirring' at any time is ideal. If ham goes past its suggested use by date, do not fret, the nastier the smell and the sqishier the ham, the better.

Steps:
1. After your emotions have reached their boiling point and you're seeing red, proceed to remove your ham from its packaging, if any.
2. Slam ham onto bench. Make sure you use enough force to create a good heavy thud.
3. If questioned what "your problem is" shoot the asker a threatening glare and drive your fist into your ham with a grunt.
4. Using your heavy blunt object proceed to smash the ham into the bench until you are feeling slightly better (feel free to unleash your inner angry Scot and let out a cries of rage - your stirred ham will turn out better if you put a little more emotion into your movement, your rage will seep into the meat and create a lovely angry aura).

By now, your ham should be softened enough for you to start the stirring process.

5. Throw your heavy blunt object over your shoulder, ignoring any damage created by this step.
6. Take your large bowl and put your ham into it, do not be afraid to throw the ham into the bowl; if the bowl slides down the bench all the better - it will only further your frustration.
7. Take up your stirring instrument. Take a deep breath, thinking back over everything that had made you so frustrated or upset throughout the day.Take it all in through the deep breath and tighten your grip on your instrument... and have at it.
8. Stir the ham in a blind fury, ignore the specs of the meat that are bound to splash up out of the bowl and onto your clothing, face, and the area around you.
9. Continue to stir until all your fury is unleashed, and you release how sore your arm has become. Revel in your pain, you have accomplished something great.
You should find you have a slightly chunky paste, and a sense of relief throughout your body.

You now have Stirred Ham-The Angry Scot.
Do with it as you will...
It is suggested throwing it at that person that questioned you earlier in step 3, you will feel better after sharing this marvelous creation. Sharing stirred ham is the best kind of caring of all.)

Enjoy.